*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.