HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
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You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.