Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
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All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad: