@EricaLynnz: If you're driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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@TheBigBatman: her: psssssssst me: ? her: psssssssssssssssssssssst me: ??? her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
@KevinFarzad: The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn't just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
@ParentNormal: VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year
@Dawn_M_: I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.