If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
This was my dad’s browser history.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
tourist season
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare