If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
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I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???