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@Flykins: COP: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "It was way easier than solving a murder?"
@Karissajem: Nephew: Wouldn't it be cool to breathe fire like a dragon? Me:*drinking gin straight from the bottle* We're about to find out, kid.
@trentistweeting: ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and- GIRL: hook up? sure! ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome