Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Dietest Coke
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.