@WheelTod: If you're dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
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@AimeeHelene1: *walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me* *everyone claps & cheers* *hands check over to teller* Check is for $1.00
@maisonshouting: CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff DUDE: aw M: *whispers* ur my dad now
@markydoodoo: I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like "did I lock the tree?"