@WheelTod: If you're dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
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@SortaBad: College: Now that you're making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year Me: lol College: lol ikr?
@ramenfuneral: somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman
@electrolemon: "let's put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let's go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars" - cops
@huntigula: Guy: Why does everyone call you "Gross Gary"? Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.