@WheelTod: If you're dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
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@WheelTod: I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
@david8hughes: [boxing match] Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
@julezmac: Football is so cute it's like some guys are like we're gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
@savvystrider: My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief.
@hammbone84: MY ROOMBA IS SOMEHOW LOOSE OUTDOORS AND I'M TERRIFIED OF THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE ECOSYSTEM AS IT HAS NO NATURAL PREDATORS.
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