@WheelTod: If you're dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
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@UncleDuke1969: Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up? Me: Yeah. Wife: Good. Me: Why? Wife: No reason. Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Here, taste this.
@shkeeber: Dude, why did you buy Grand Theft Auto 5? I mean, honestly, you live in Detroit. You could've just gone outside and saved yourself $50.
@trevorthehuman: Turns out "pick the biggest one & punch him in the face" gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
@TheAlexNevil: How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
@LaziestCanine: A fish's Google search history: - do fish have short term memory? - do fish have short term memory? - do fish have short term memory?
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