If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
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Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
*serious situation*
My brain:
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.