@WheelTod: If you're dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
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@ChrisThayerSays: I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
@SaraThomas84: The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
@RogueGod: After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c**t.
@shanethevein: Want followers? Tweet something funny. Can't think of anything? Tweet something honest. Can't say anything honest or funny? Try Facebook.