If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
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What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.