If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Don’t make me out nice you.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.