@weinerdog4life: If you're ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like "I can't even hear you bear"
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@SteveSuckington: "Dad I think there's a monster in my room" -Seriously? You're 33 years old. You live in a different state. "Just put mom on the phone"
@AndyAsAdjective: *steps out of time machine* SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler? ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
@FrenulumBreve: [hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom] "Now give me my wife." "This is short by £2.39" [hides Mcflurry] "it's all I got."
@Marlebean: My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath. The walls, too. Yup, and ceiling.