@weinerdog4life: If you're ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like "I can't even hear you bear"
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@FunnyTunes: Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you? Me: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother.
@Contwixt: If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
@NourHadidi: Overheard at work: "that is music to my ears". Where else would the music go smartypants?
@daemonic3: Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf