@weinerdog4life: If you're ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like "I can't even hear you bear"
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@jwoodham: DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
@TheAlexNevil: At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think "I wish I could be a shark".
@Midgetspar: I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you ... even you.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen