If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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Heroic Misunderstanding
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.