If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
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boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I only treason on days ending in y
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.