@shutupmikeginn: If you're ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, "Help Me" to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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@Maxine12333: You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
@carlyken: Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that's a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse [Everyone dies]
@CulturedRuffian: Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf? Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?