If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian