If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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me: why does my back hurt
also me:
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.