WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Matt Goss
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?