If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
You Might Also Like
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.