If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
spot the difference
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
“A little help here, Danny?”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Heroic Misunderstanding
When a shoelace touches your ankle
congratulations to them
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.