@CubanaMama82: If you're ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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@carlyken: Give it to me straight "I'd really like to have sex with you-" Now give it to me gay "-r boyfriend."
@audipenny: When someone tries to argue with me I'm like "hey pal let me stop you right there" and then physically turn them around to face someone else
@PharmerRPh: Judge: "Reason for divorce?" Me: "Reconcilable differences." Judge: "Don't you mean irreconcilable?" Me: "Ugh. You sound just like her."