If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
this will hang in the louvre one day
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
From my Mom
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.