If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Challenge accepted.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
LMAO
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.