@SamuelHLowe: If you're ever on death row, request Denny's for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.
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@ComedicBust: [About to have sex] Me: I want you so bad. Her: Take me. Me: [rips off panties] Her: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING PANTIES
@KentWGraham: For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
@Robinbuble: Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket