Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
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in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.