if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
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Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God