“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
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I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Mornin
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.