@JennyJohnsonHi5: If you're feeling down about yourself, it won't help you to know that Honey Boo Boo makes more money than school teachers.
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@1Happytwit: My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: What are my choices again? Pollster: Donald Trump… Me: Or? Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby. Me: … Pollster: Well? Me: I’m thinking.
@Cheeseboy22: My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.