“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
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*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Weirdly Wednesday.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.