If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
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[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Bring back the McRib
I wish I could veto my bills.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
why isn’t he texting back
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*