If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
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Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Tell me you get it…🤣
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I hope they boil the right one.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.