if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
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*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”