if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
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Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.