If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
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Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I’m putting together a team
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
🤣😂
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them