Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
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me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Lmfao
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.