If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
So creative 😂
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”