If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
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Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation