If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
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It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Kids: Stay in school.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*