If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
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me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Hey Fugeddaboutit
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
<- sleeps well with others
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
iPhone X
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working