@3sunzzz: If you're giving me directions and you say, "Head north," I'm going to think you mean toward the sky.
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@ingerlishman: Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
@daemonic3: [hospital] "Will dad ever wake from his coma?" WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET'S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS DAD: I'M UP
@Douchekevin: She blindfolded me and said she was going to put heaven on my lips. I asked what kind of pizza it was. I woke up outside with a concussion