@3sunzzz: If you're giving me directions and you say, "Head north," I'm going to think you mean toward the sky.
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@Tmoney68: [Army Shooting Range] Officer: Are you locked & loaded? Soldiers: YES SIR! Officer: You may fire at will! Soldier Named Will: WTF?
@HousewifeOfHell: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: You pulled me over? Cop: Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
@Roxtalled: Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact? Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.
@Jandalize: I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.