If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
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PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I just love that new Pope smell.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it