If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.