@pharmasean: If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
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@Monicann86: My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I'm going to try this with my co-workers.
@2p2TrollCat: Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.
@ohen39: [at the mall] santa: have you been naughty or nice this year? me: *stops smiling and gets off santa's lap* I want my lawyer.