If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
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Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.