it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.