I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
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My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo