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*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*