@SodomyClown: If you're going to boast non stop about your pregnancy at least give birth to something fun like a puppy, a bouncy castle or a bag of weed.
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@EndhooS: [1st day at Subway] Boss: u said u'd done this before Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I'm really more of an abstract sandwich artist
@TheBoydP: Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
@stevevsninjas: Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects. Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.