10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
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Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
ok this is my dumbest yet
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.