Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
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[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Every time.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
is this store having a stroke wtf
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.