Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
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*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.