@NicestHippo: If you're going to call people who aren't yet born "the unborn" then you have to call people who aren't yet dead "the undead"
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@Kyle_Lippert: Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it's like a little party on your face.
@IamEveryDayPpl: My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
@TheCatWhisprer: *whispers to dog wearing a 'working dog, do not pet' vest* psst what time does your shift end?
@TheTalkingPipe: I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.