*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
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Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
this is literally a CIA plant
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.