If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
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I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
what it’s like dating me:
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.