If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
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If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me