If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
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My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
True
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.