“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
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I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
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Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
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