Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…