My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
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cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
he chose this
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Coffee for people with no kids
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.