“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead